Your Weekly Horoscope If Your Major Were Your Astrological Sign, As Interpreted by Your Passive-Aggressive Academic Adviser

by Persephone Yamigawa


Undergraduates majoring in accounting have great romantic prospects this week. With Saturn in Taurus from Thursday until early morning on Sunday, the dorm-party hookup scene should be buzzing with eligible business students. Normally I would suggest that you don’t break the bank on a significant other – but who are we kidding? In your future, the stars signal a lofty summer internship that will fund your misguided sexual escapades for the rest of your undergraduate career.


The separating conjunction of Jupiter and Pluto in Capricorn gives you the anaerobic power to score that final touchdown. Please don’t let us down again, guys.


A bright star shines for you. Actually, it is an icy comet, its trajectory pointed directly at our planet. Everything you have worked to protect will soon be exploded in a cold yet fiery, heavenly blast. You have two weeks left; you realize this is still enough time to change your major and water your thirsty succulents, Flora and Fauna.


This week, your unlucky colors are white and red. Like the Japanese flag and your credit card balance, desu.


This week’s Sun-Venus conjunction in Gemini also finds Neptune in Pisces and Mercury in Libra, creating a T-square that points straight at your Third Axis of home, family, and the conclusion of things – but you already knew that, didn’t you? You and your stupidly high starting salary. Get outta here.


When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And if yearnings for extravagance can be controlled in the spring semester, you may arrive in Italy come autumn with enough cash to hire a Neapolitan prostitute. They’re feisty, you’ve heard, but your girlfriend back home is abstinent until graduation, and with this major you’re in for the long haul in that regard, buddy. Feel free to loosen your Virgo upon her Venus, but try not to contract any STDs in the process. And remember: Du Lac still applies.


Doesn’t your reading a horoscope constitute some kind of heresy to begin with?


As the Sun enters your sector of mid-term anxiety, you are faced with an opportunity to wind down and appreciate the small things in life. DO NOT TAKE IT. You will fail an organic chemistry exam and the dandelions won’t be of any help to you when it happens. May the molecules be aligned in your favor, because the stars sure as hell aren’t.


The court of the space goddess is clothed in the garments of fallen soldiers. Most nights, it’s all you can think about: your dream of world peace and reconciliation between all warring tribes, shattered into pieces at the hand of a demagogue you fought not to elect. Everything you had hoped for in this new year has collapsed in its first weeks; to be sure, it only gets worse for you. The planet Mars is upon us all.


The fast movement of the planets in your personal firmament signal yet another change in major for you, delivering you even further away from your dream of becoming a doctor. You thought at first that Biochemistry was too ambitious, but this week you will wonder whether you are cut out to be in the College of Science at all. Damn those mandatory physics courses! What the hell does physics have to do with patient care, anyways? Yes – you resolve after months of crisis and self-doubt – you should definitely have been an Marketing major, after all.


All of your celestial significance points are aligned this week, radiating over you a rare and ephemeral sense of importance. Your distant relationships, academic environment, physical appearance, hopes and desires, and overall self rarely get this much astrological or even broader social attention. Take advantage of this opportunity to meet new people, before you sink back into an ocean of perpetual irrelevance.


You need to get your head out of Uranus, is what you need.


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